Miscarriage Part 1 — with Stephanie Green
Statistics show that 1 in every 10 women experience a miscarriage. The loss of a child before birth carries a unique grief, along with physical and emotional suffering that leave a lasting impact on a mother’s body and soul.
Stephanie Green knows this pain all too well. Having walked through miscarriage herself and having spent years walking alongside others who have, Stephanie joins us to share her wisdom on enduring this suffering well and offering hope and help to those who walk through miscarriage.
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Joyful Journey Podcast is a ministry of Faith Bible Seminary. All proceeds go to offset costs of this podcast and toward scholarships for women to receive their MABC through Faith Bible Seminary.
Resources
Resources
Books
Miscarriage: You Are Not Alone - Stephanie Green
Podcasts
Helping the Grieving - Joyful Journey Podcast
Websites
Faith Biblical Counseling Training Conferences
Transcript:
Jocelyn: I don't just need to feel better. I need the truth. And ultimately that will make me better.
Janet: I just want to make it as totally simple as possible for ladies to see that the Bible is really applicable to their everyday life.
Jocelyn: When they understand theology, the application flows out of it quickly with joy.
Janet: It is a journey, but even the journey itself is joyful when I'm doing it, holding the hand of my savior and trusting him all along the way. This is the joyful journey podcast, a podcast to inspire and equip women to passionately pursue beautiful biblical truth on their journey as women of God. When you choose truth, you're choosing joy.
Janet: Okay. Welcome back listeners. I am excited about this week's episode. I have a dear friend who is gonna talk to us about a subject that, for whatever reason, we're not as apt to talk about. But it is one that many of us as women have dealt with, myself included. So before I tell you what that is, I am here. My name is Janet. I'm here again with Jocelyn.
Jocelyn: Hi, friends.
Janet: And with a very good friend of mine, Stephanie Green.
Stephanie: Hello.
Janet: And I've asked Stephanie to come and talk about her passion and ministry to women who have had miscarriages. I have had several, and many women I know have, but I learned when I had mine, it's just not a topic that people are, for whatever reason, as comfortable talking about, but we do know that the Bible has things to say about it. So I've asked Stephanie to come and share with us some of the hope she's gotten in that area. But to get us started, Stephanie, can you just tell us, tell us a little bit about who you are and how you gained such a passion for this topic?
Stephanie: Absolutely. Thank you so much for having me today. I just think it's a huge privilege to be able to be here and to share some of the things that the Lord has taught me over the last 23 years in regards to this subject. I had the privilege of growing up in a Christian home. My parents decided to move me and my two older brothers to a Christian school when I was going into the first grade. And soon after the year started, my teacher was giving a Bible lesson, she clearly explained the gospel, and that's when I received Christ into my life.
Janet: Wow.
Jocelyn: That’s cool.
Stephanie: So, I was little, but it wasn't until about my last two years of high school that I began owning my faith. My plan for after high school was to become a nurse. That had been my desire for many years. And I remember at the age of 14, I was serving in a hospital and as soon as I turned 16 and was able to get a job on my own, I asked my mom to drive me down to the local nursing home and started working there.
Janet: Wow.
Stephanie: So nursing was a passion of mine ever since I was little. But my senior year in high school, God gave me an added desire and that desire was for ministry. And the next several years were spent serving in various ministries, working on earning my nursing degree, and just getting my feet wet and what ministry would look like. During this time, God brought my precious husband into my life, and we were married in the fall of '93. Rob and I have been married for 29 years, and we have three children, ages 25, 20, and 16. I graduated from nursing school in '95, and I remember during my OB rotation I had received book knowledge regarding miscarriage. It was one of those topics that I just had to know for a test, but other than that, I don't recall giving much thought to it at all. During my first pregnancy, I had a little scare, but outside of that one incident, my pregnancy was uneventful, fairly easy, and resulted in a sweet baby. About two years later, I was pregnant with our second baby. Things seemed to be going pretty well except for a small bout of strep throat that I had soon after finding out. Nine weeks into the pregnancy though, that's when things rapidly changed. Spotting resulted in an ultrasound, and the ultrasound resulted in a broken heart, as I saw my precious little baby lifeless on the screen. The next 24 hours were hard.
Janet: Yeah.
Stephanie: As labor was induced and seemingly endless contractions resulted in the delivery of my baby, but nothing could have prepared me for what was yet to come. My doctor wanted another ultrasound to make sure everything that was supposed to be gone was in fact gone. And as I looked at the screen this time, what once held a precious little life was now just a dark and empty hole. I was amazed at how many hopes and dreams I had for my baby in just the few weeks of knowing that I was pregnant. And I was equally amazed at how quickly those hopes and dreams were dashed. The days following my miscarriage were hard. I soon discovered that many had walked the road before me, but I was surprised to find out that not many shared with me how they successfully navigated the painful days ahead. I'll never forget the kindness of two different ladies during this time. One I didn't know at all, and the other was an acquaintance from the church I grew up in. Both had learned of my miscarriage and both had walked a similar road. These two ladies, upon hearing of my loss, took the time to write a lengthy letter to me. Now, you may be laughing, but you have to think back 23 years.
Jocelyn: Letters were the thing.
Stephanie: All we had then was slow internet connections, snail mail, and phone cards.
Janet: And yet lengthy letters, even today, would be more special.
Stephanie: Absolutely.
Janet: You know, I think that's great.
Stephanie: Absolutely. I loved it and it was something I could hold onto and read over and over and over again. Their letters were precious and full of compassion. Their letters detailed things to expect physically in the days ahead and told me it was okay to cry. These ladies not only acknowledged that they had been where I currently was, but they also acknowledged the hurt. I'm thankful for their willingness to reach out to someone they hardly knew. I'm thankful for their willingness to initiate a conversation with me, and I'm thankful for their willingness to be vulnerable about their own suffering. It was such an encouragement to my heart and it served as an example that I wanted to follow. But also looking back, I was a stuffer. I stuffed my emotions and I stuffed my grief. We were very busy at this time of life. My husband was a full-time seminary student. He worked a full-time job. We were dorm parents in a girl's dorm with 60 girls, and we had a two-year-old to care for. So in the busyness of life, I tried to just simply work at accepting what the Lord willed and tried to move on.
Janet: You know, I really think that many people believe that's what they're supposed to do.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: If I trust God, I just keep moving and then it'll all be okay. So I love that you're acknowledging that because there are some people doing it purposely to not deal with life.
Stephanie: Yes.
Janet: But there are many of us that think that's what we're supposed to do.
Stephanie: So in those days, following my miscarriage, when my grief was raw, I don't believe I was very open with others about my grief. I would've benefited from being open with others about what was going on in my own heart. I would've benefited from someone sharing with me how they were comforted by God during a time of suffering in their own life, and I would've benefited from resources that would've pointed me to Jesus and the hope He alone provides. Soon after my miscarriage, I learned that miscarriage is much more common than people think. I learned that it's a subject that people are very, very uncomfortable talking about. I learned that there are many ladies, some whom we rubbed shoulds with on a daily basis that are suffering in silence over the type of loss that they've had, and that is what fueled a passion within my heart regarding the topic of miscarriage. God stirred within my heart a desire to use the suffering in my own life. In this area to care for others who are walking a similar road. My desire early on was to make miscarriage an open topic for discussion. And in God's kindness, He has given me a voice with others. I want to use the opportunities He gives me for His glory. I don't want ladies suffering in silence. I want to help carry their burden and direct them to the one who can give them comfort and hope in the midst of their suffering and heartache.
Jocelyn: So, what are some common misconceptions about miscarriage?
Stephanie: That's a great question. Let's talk about four. I'm sure there are more, but there are four things.
Janet: It's almost like you're married to a pastor. She's like, here are the four things.
Jocelyn: Outlined.
Janet: Way to go. Steph.
Jocelyn: I hope it's alliterated.
Stephanie: Okay. The first one is, I did something to harm the child or did not do something to protect the child.
Janet: Yes.
Stephanie: As I have talked with many ladies who have walked the heartbreaking road of miscarriage, I have noted a very common thought. I wonder what I did or didn't do that caused this baby to die. I think we can all agree that it is a very heavy burden to bear and I know firsthand what a miserable burden it is. Despite the advances in technology that we are privileged to have today, many answers and miscarriage are still not available, which invites this lingering question still, what did or didn't I do that may have caused it? If that is where you are today, I have something far better than what ifs to share with you, something that should encourage your heart and reorient your thinking. I'm planning to read Psalm 139: 13-16. For You and that is God formed my inward parts. You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in secret and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. Your eyes have seen my unformed substance and in your book were written all the days that were ordained for me. When is yet there was not one of them. I'm gonna read verse 16 again. And in Your book, were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them. Wow. Before you even knew you were pregnant, God had already ordained the number of days your precious baby was going to live. How kind it was of God to include this passage in His word. Your baby's death was no surprise to God. And now with God's help, you have the opportunity to shift your thinking from worry, wondering what you may have done to cause your miscarriage to trusting in God's sovereign plan for you and your baby, knowing that His thoughts are not your thoughts and His ways are not your ways, but His ways are best.
Janet: You know, I think that's so hopeful and so incredibly important. I think back to when, you know, I had several miscarriages and then I helped teach a class on Wednesday nights on that subject. We had a precious woman in that class who, because of her culture, she was from a different culture than we are. When you find out you're pregnant, you're to lay down and not do much.
Jocelyn: Oh, wow.
Janet: And because she had still gone to the store.
Jocelyn: Oh.
Janet: Gotten in her car, her husband even believed that's what caused it.
Stephanie: Oh, that's tragic.
Janet: And it was a beautiful time of ministry to them. But not understanding what you just said is such a heavy burden to bear.
Stephanie: Yes.
Janet: And though it's not, it's not just that there's that niggling thing in the back of our mind. There are cultures that are, that believe that…
Jocelyn: Wow.
Janet: To the degree, once you know you're pregnant, you lay down.
Jocelyn: Wow.
Janet: And then she didn't. So what you've just shared is such hope.
Stephanie: It is. Very much so. The other misconception is that I'm the only one. It's not easy to find consistent stats, but we were told that approximately one in seven known pregnancies end in miscarriage. But you know, when you're going through the miscarriage, it often feels like you are the only one when it happens. However, with stats like that, it reinforces what we already know from the word. For Corinthians 10:13 says, no temptation has overtaken you, but such as is common to man and God is faithful who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also so that you will be able to endure it. One thing this verse tells me is that I am not unique and what I'm going through is not unique. In fact, there are likely others in my family, my workplace, and certainly in my church who experience the exact same thing.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: We may not talk about it because it's painful, but many are right there with us. There are multiple passages in the Bible that tell of God's faithfulness. He has led many women through the wilderness before I entered it. He's leading many others through it right now, and when my days of deepest grief are replaced with occasional grief, others will be entering it. But you know what? God is faithfully walking beside us during each phase of that grief. That verse also promises the strength to endure it.
Janet: Yep.
Stephanie: Images like an empty womb on an ultrasound or the delivery of a tiny baby may be etched in our memory as long as we draw breath, but God gives us the grace to endure. Rather than be discouraged by we are alone, we can actually have confidence that God has brought is bringing and will bring many others through the same road by His grace. Even more encouraging is 1 Peter 1:6-7, which says in this, you rejoice though now for a little while if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials. So that the tested genuineness of your faith more precious than gold, that perishes, though it is tested by fire, may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. This reminds us that when our faith endures trials, it becomes refined. It is more precious at the coming of Jesus than it would've been had we not endured faithfully. The third misconception is it's silly to grieve. I didn't really know this child. There's a sense in which this grief is different than losing a two year old or a 10 year old. We do not have pictures, memories of games played, or mementos that they made for us, and it's also different from losing a spouse of 40 or 50 years, but that does not make this grief silly at all.
Janet: That’s right.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: He or she was still a precious life who was made in the image of God, and grieving is just a normal part of loss.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: According to Isaiah 53:3 & 4, even the Messiah would intimately know grief. In Psalm 6, David says that his tears have been his food day and night. It's okay to grieve. A miscarriage is a loss. A loss of future hopes and dreams, a loss of the joys, challenges, and blessings that come with raising a child. Stuffing our grief does not help us in the long term. We all must come to grips with what the Lord has allowed, but that does not require we minimize the loss. And this is just a good segue into our fourth misconception, which is grief must look a certain way. While we are talking about grief, we should not try to force people into a certain kind of grief. Some express their sadness very differently than others. I believe Gail McGinty discussed grief and suffering on this podcast earlier, and I would encourage the listeners to review it for more encouragement on this topic. But I can say now that a mom losing her first baby might grieve differently than a mom with five children to care for already. One mom may be more ready to accept God's sovereign plan than another mom. One mom might have a very loving support system around her with lots of meaningful ministry, while another mom might be more isolated apart from the miscarriage. There are many factors that could play a role. But grieving or lamenting before the Lord is part of a believer's privilege, even if it looks different for each mom. 1 Peter 5:7 says, cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. God wants us to bring our concerns to Him. Why? Because He cares so deeply for each of us. So whatever your grief looks like today, let me encourage you to run to Jesus. Take full advantage of the privilege you've been given to cry out to your Heavenly Father, and then enjoy experiencing his steadfast love and compassionate care for you. Psalm 34:18 reminds us, the Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. God doesn't leave us in our grief, but instead He is near. He is right there with us every step of the way.
Janet: You know, another area, when I think about grief, not looking a certain way, I remember learning how differently Brent grieved than I grieved.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: And I have watched that hurt marriages.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: We are gonna talk about that.
Janet: Oh, okay.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Janet: So I got ahead of you there.
Stephanie: You are exactly right.
Janet: Because I was thinking, I remember saying to Brent, I felt a life inside me and I feel empty.
Stephanie: Absolutely.
Janet: But he can't feel that.
Stephanie: Yep.
Janet: And it would be wrong of me to expect that.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Janet: But I love, that's just one more area of grief is, doesn't have to look a certain way.
Stephanie: Absolutely.
Janet: But it is very real. So I appreciate you letting us know that.
Jocelyn: And I think it's helpful to hear there's not a certain way that it should look and the situation that you're in is gonna help determine what this grief looks like.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Because…
Stephanie: Absolutely.
Jocelyn: Like if it's the fifth child and you have four other children to take care of, it is going to look different than if it was your first baby.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Janet: And it doesn't mean you don't love this child, it just means.
Jocelyn: It’s just different.
Janet: Your life is different.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Janet: You don't have even the space maybe.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Yeah, that's helpful to know.
Janet: And I think that's freeing. Because we don't have to, you know, do I name the baby, do I not? The Bible doesn't say so there's freedom there.
Stephanie: Yep.
Janet: And I don't love them less if I didn't name them or feel the pressure of, do I have a funeral, do I not, you know, so all of those things I think are helpful to say. It does not have to look a certain way. But I do need to acknowledge that it's real. Yeah. So what are some of the unique challenges that come from miscarriage rather than other kinds of grief?
Stephanie: Well, oftentimes women wait to make their big announcement until the beginning of the second trimester, that magical second trimester. So if you think about it, if you're waiting till the second trimester and the miscarriage happens before an announcement has been made, very few people, if anyone, knows of your loss. Therefore, they're not gonna know about your needs. They're not gonna know about what support you need. So this can leave you feeling alone and feeling as if you're left to face this challenge all by yourself. One of the things that enhances this feeling of aloneness is that miscarriage isn't something that people talk a lot about. We've already said that earlier.
Janet: Yeah.
Stephanie: But it wasn't until I had a miscarriage that I even knew of anyone personally who had walked a similar road.
Janet: Right.
Stephanie: I was amazed at how many ladies approached me. They hugged me and they whispered, I had one too. Now on one hand, that was very comforting to me. It allowed me to see that I actually wasn't the only one on earth who had ever lost a baby. Because that's what you feel like when you're going through it.
Janet: Yep.
Stephanie: In fact, many had walked the road before me, but on the other hand, I still felt very alone in my grief. Simply knowing many walked the road before me, didn't mend my breaking heart.
Janet: Right.
Stephanie: The other thing that kind of goes with this communication is some people just don't know what to say. So they either end up saying nothing at all or say something that is pretty insensitive. Proverbs 12:18 says, reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. Have you ever been around someone who is grieving where it's just quiet?
Janet: Oh, absolutely.
Stephanie: Where only a minute has gone by, but yet that minute felt like 50. It can be awkward and uncomfortable. We want to be an encouragement. We want to fill the gap of silence, but we don't know what to say if you're not prepared. It's during those times where words can be piercing. Comments such as you can have another baby. At least you know you can get pregnant. At least it was early on in your pregnancy or at least you already have a child. Those comments tend to pierce the heart of someone who has recently miscarried. They're usually spoken from a heart that truly is desiring to be an encouragement.
Janet: Yes.
Stephanie: However, to the grieving mom, they tend to minimize the loss and at times even promotes false hope. So as you speak to someone who has recently lost a baby, pray and ask God to help you be sensitive as you talk with your friend. Pray and ask God to help you. Be compassionate, pray and ask God to help you be wise. And as you talk with your friend, encourage her to run to the One, who can comfort her far better than any person can. Ask her how you can best pray for her and then ask if you could pray with her. And then let me say something about the one who has had these comments said to them. If you're one of them, I wanna encourage you to believe the best of your friend or family member.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: Believe their intention truly was to encourage you, and then guard your mind against dwelling on the comments and guard your heart against anger and bitterness.
Janet: I think that's really important, and it helps me to remember, there's been many times when I've been that person, like I'm trying to be helpful and I hope they'll give me the grace of, I didn't ignore it, I tried to engage and what I said was kind of dumb, but.
Stephanie: We’ve all been there.
Janet: Yeah. So I think if I can remember that.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: I can think, number one, they didn't wanna ignore it. Number two, they wanted to do something and they were willing to walk toward the uncomfortable thing. Yeah. And they just didn't know what to say. And that can give me compassion. The alternative might've been that they ignore it because they were uncomfortable.
Jocelyn: And then it was just silent.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: And I don't want everybody to ignore me. So the fact that they tried, I think you're absolutely right. That is a protection from bitterness is I know they cared and they tried.
Stephanie: Yep.
Janet: Yeah.
Stephanie: Another challenge that I thought through was that it can be very challenging to rejoice with those who are rejoicing after experiencing miscarriage.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: We are commanded in scripture to rejoice with those who rejoice. And I think we can all agree that it's fun to celebrate a new pregnancy. It's fun to spoil a new mom and her baby with a shower. It's fun to comment on that post everyone's been waiting for for months, the arrival of the new baby. But even though each of these things are caused for great rejoicing, it can seem like a daunting task for the one who has recently lost a baby.
Janet: Oh, for sure.
Stephanie: I remember a friend was due around the same time my baby was due. There were days that that was very, very difficult for me. It was hard to rejoice at her stomach getting huge while mine was no longer growing. It was hard to be around all the pregnancy talk. It was hard at times to be excited for her when what she had, I wanted so badly for myself, and quite honestly, I didn't always do such a great job rejoicing with my friend in my heart. I'm so thankful the Lord helped me see that in my sorrow. I was avoiding being around my friend. I was focused on me, my heartache, my empty womb, my sadness. I turned into a little me monster. My idol of wanting something that I didn't have was clouding my view of who God was. And instead of running to Jesus, I was running from relationships. So how do we rejoice with those who are rejoicing? With God's help, our joy and satisfaction can only be found in Christ alone. When we begin believing that anything other than Christ will bring us joy and contentment, we must recognize it and repent of it to both God and if necessary, the person we've sinned against. With God's help, I was able to repent of my selfishness and my jealous heart, and rejoice in the new life God had given my friend. The last thing that I'm going to talk about is miscarriage can put a strain on your marriage.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: Just the thing that Janet was talking about. It's not uncommon for men and women to process miscarriages very differently. As a result, some women take that to mean he doesn't care about this precious life that died. I would like to suggest that this is often not the case at all. As you communicate with your husband, you will usually find that the hurt and pain are real to him as well. It is true that he didn't have the baby inside him and he's not dealing with the physical side effects of miscarriage or the constant playbacks of the day, but God created him with emotions too. Remember that this precious child was his as well. Talk to your husband. Ask him how he is doing. Consider his thoughts and feelings toward the loss and share yours with him. Don't allow this loss to be a wedge that drives the two of you apart. Instead, walk this road together. Share openly how you are doing with one another. Seek to encourage one another and allow this tragedy to strengthen your marriage.
Jocelyn: I was also thinking about how going through difficult stuff like this in marriage is one of the ways that unity grows in marriage.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: You're facing something that no one signed up for.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Jocelyn: No one wanted, and God has decided that it's what His will is for you and it really can help the marriage to grow tight.
Stephanie: Yes, He can.
Jocelyn: As you suffer together. Yep.
Janet: But it also, it makes me think of something Gail said in the, I think she said this in the podcast. She has said it to me about suffering. So I'm sure she probably said it on the podcast, that the way we respond to our suffering depends on the heart we brought into it. And I think the way you respond in your marriage is, a lot of times it's just a flood light on maybe small issues that were already there.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: Yep.
Janet: Now they're all gonna surface.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: And so I think okay, if I already struggle with my husband, but I can kind of put it under the rug not anymore.
Jocelyn; Yeah.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Janet: It's gonna be right out there, but then we can deal with it.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Nothing's holding me back. Yeah.
Janet: Yes. But it's an opportunity.
Jocelyn: I think grief makes you raw like that. It makes things that you were willing to overlook come up a little bit more easily.
Janet: Yeah. And we, I remember us saying, I'm so thankful that we had been taught how to solve problems, and how to communicate because it was helpful. I admit, I initially thought, why is Brent not as upset as me? Like, I don't understand. Why are you not upset? Like, not that he was happy, but it was different. And then as we talked about it, one of the things he said is, I don't feel any different. Like for me, it was all, in theory, I know I'm gonna have a child, but I saw nothing. You didn't look different. I feel nothing different. And then he said to me, I have to be honest, the most painful part for me right now is watching you hurt.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Janet: And I'm like, but the baby, he goes, it's not that I don't care about the baby. But the baby I didn't have all those things that you did that helped you see how real that was. What I see is my wife hurting and it was just good that we could talk about that and not judge each other for me either me being over the top or him not caring. It wasn't that. It's exactly like you said.
Jocelyn: So did you ever ask him questions about how he was feeling about it? Like was that part of your conversation?
Janet: Yeah, it was, but, you know, and it's also knowing the other person. Brent is not a highly emotional person.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: He processes things logically, and so he can feel sad, but in his mind, he's not thinking about how sad he feels. He's thinking about just what he's thinking. Like for me, the emotion was so strong.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: And for him, it just didn't feel the same.
Jocelyn: And guys are also not dealing with hormonal adjustments.
Janet: Oh, yes.
Jocelyn: That come after a miscarriage.
Stephanie: Yes.
Janet: I know, which I will tell you one of the things Brent learned through that was normally a strong emotion comes from a strong thought. I mean, we teach this. And so when I was really upset, he would say, tell me what you're thinking and tell me. And I'm like, nothing. I'm not thinking anything. And so we learned with all the hormones changing, he learned to say to me, so is this something that it would help you to talk about or do you just need a hug?
Jocelyn: That’s so helpful.
Stephanie: Yeah. That is helpful.
Janet: But we didn't know that. He thought, biblically, I need to help my wife think.
Jocelyn: Right.
Janet: And I'm like, I wasn't thinking anything. I was doing dishes and now I'm sobbing.
Stephanie: Yep.
Jocelyn: That's what I was meaning about asking questions. Like sometimes we just assume we know how the other person thinks or what they need. And sometimes like the most helpful thing is just to ask.
Stephanie: Yep.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Like, how is this affecting you right now? Like what, how can I help you work through whatever you're thinking?
Janet: Yes. And it was so helpful that you'll, he'll just believe me, there isn't this thought that I'm struggling with.
Jocelyn: I'm just literally just sad.
Janet: I'm just overcome with emotion and sad right now, and he's like, okay, I think this is one of those just hug times, right? Yes. That's what this is.
Jocelyn: Thanks babe. Okay. Are we on the next
Stephanie: Well, the list that we just talked about, we can all agree probably that it doesn't sound real hopeful, does it? Those four things that we talked about as a result.
Janet: A little depressing.
Stephanie: Yeah. As a result of miscarriage. But one of the beauties of having a podcast such as this one is we can talk about how to have joy in the journey of miscarriage.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: There is great hope found in God and in His word, and in the time we have remaining. I actually prayed this before the podcast, Romans 15:13, which says, now, may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace and believing so that you will abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. I hope that the things that we talk about in the second part, just fill you with hope as you walk your journey of miscarriage.
Janet: I love that. And I love that God offers that, not hope, because the circumstances will never happen.
Jocelyn: Right.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Janet: But hope in them.
Jocelyn: Yeah. In the middle of them.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: So for those who are willing to talk about it, how do friends and family come alongside and do life with them? How can we weep well with those who are weeping?
Stephanie: Well, what we've been talking about so far today is the subject of miscarriage. For decades, I've had the privilege of ministering to ladies after they've miscarried. There are similarities in each story of miscarriage that fit with the subject we've been discussing today, but each story is personal. Each story is special, and the way we come alongside these ladies and weep well with them will be different too. What helps one person may not necessarily help another one. Knowing the person and having individual conversations with her is going to take this broad subject matter and narrow the focus, making it personal. One of my favorite passages in the Bible is Philippians 2:3 & 4 say, do nothing from selfish or empty conceit, but with humility of mind, regard one another as more important than yourselves. Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also the interests of others. Ministering to a lady after a miscarriage is a perfect opportunity to put these verses into action. And here are a few things to consider as you narrow the focus with your friend or family member and seek to regard her as more important than yourself. The first thing is listen. This is really hard at times, isn't it? Oftentimes, we as ladies are fixers. We just wanna fix it and make it all better.
Janet: Yep.
Stephanie: We wanna spend our time trying to make it better, but we just can't. The other thing is silence is uncomfortable. So in an attempt to fill the silence, we talk, and as I've already mentioned at times, the things we say can come across as insensitive and hurtful, even though the heart behind the comment was sincere. So instead of talking, be willing to listen to whatever your friend wants to share regarding her story. I remember with my last pregnancy, I began to bleed around five weeks into the pregnancy. I remember instantly thinking that the bleeding was going to be the beginning signs of another miscarriage.
Janet: Oh.
Stephanie: And my heart just sank. One of my precious friends knew what was going on with me that morning, canceled her plans for the day, called me and asked if my kids and I would like to meet her and her kids at the park. She didn't want me to be alone. She told me that if I wanted to talk, she would listen and if I didn't wanna talk, that was absolutely fine. And you know what? We didn't talk much. We just sat there in silence watching our kids play. And I'm sure for my friend that may have been very, very uncomfortable because after all, she liked to talk. And when she talked, she consistently spoke with grace and wisdom. I often left our conversations encouraged, but that day she chose to show me love by sitting in silence by my side, ready to listen whenever I was ready to talk. What an example of thinking about somebody else as better than yourself.
Janet: I love that.
Stephanie: And weeping well with someone who was weeping.
Jocelyn: I'm so glad you shared that example because that's so practical.
Janet: Yes. And I love that we don't have to now go, okay, so I need to sit in silence.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: I need to ask.
Jocelyn: Yes.
Janet: It's easier. It's not easy to do, but it's easier to figure out. What's loving when you realize it's okay to ask.
Stephanie: Yep.
Jocelyn: And I'm even thinking that that applies to the dads that are involved in this too.
Stephanie: Absolutely.
Janet: Absolutely. Yeah.
Jocelyn: How will you know how they need help? Unless you ask for and listen.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Janet: Yeah.
Stephanie: The second one is, you guys just read my notes, ask questions.
Jocelyn: We're good.
Stephanie: Ask questions that will help you know how to best love and serve your friend in the days ahead. Remembering that everyone grieves differently. What may be a blessing for one person may not be as equally a blessing for someone else. And here are a few practical things to consider as you seek to love the person who is miscarried. Will it be helpful to set up a few meals for her? Sometimes just the tiny daily routine is difficult to do after a miscarriage.
Janet: You know what I love about that? In addition to the fact that physically it might be helpful or emotionally cuz she's tired, even if she didn't quote unquote, need a meal. You have acknowledged that she's grieving a loss.
Stephanie: Yes.
Janet: And when someone loses a family member…
Jocelyn: We typically bring meals.
Stephanie: Yep.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: And I will tell you, when I had my miscarriage, my first one, I can't remember first or second one, a friend brought us dinner. And I'm like, I'm fully capable of making dinner, but, and she very kindly said, we're not gonna stay, we just wanna bring it. But we asked them to stay. Like I, we didn't wanna be alone. So they stayed and ate it with us. And to think even if they don't need the meal, you have just acknowledged that this is real.
Stephanie: Yep.
Jocelyn: Yep.
Janet: I love that.
Stephanie: Consider whether or not they have other children. Will it be helpful to watch her other children in order for her to get some rest? Now some view this is helpful, but I have had ladies tell me that having the other children around is more helpful than not.
Janet: Yeah.
Stephanie: So this is also another time when listening is helpful. Do not insist on what you think will be most helpful, but let the lady who is recovering have the freedom to share what will be most helpful to her.
Jocelyn: That's so helpful.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: I was thinking like for some people doing routine daily things will be what is best for them.
Stephanie: Yes.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Helps 'em to not be obsessed about their thoughts and for other people they might not be capable of doing daily tasks.
Janet: They're overwhelmed at the thought.
Jocelyn: Yeah, daily stuff might be so much.
Janet: Or they'll want you there with them. Or some want to be alone. I do think it's helpful to give them some ideas of options. Like if you just say, how could I help? They may say, I don't know.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: Absolutely.
Janet: But if it's, would you like me to? Would you like me to?
Stephanie: Yep.
Jocelyn: And I also think asking more than once is probably helpful because your opinion might change on what is helpful from day to day or week to week.
Stephanie: Yep.
Janet: Yeah.
Stephanie: Are there tasks in the home that you can help with cleaning, laundry, yard work? Some days as you can imagine are just long and lonely after a miscarriage. So asking if it would be helpful to pick up lunch at her favorite restaurant and eat with her to help break up a long day. Take note of her due date and send her a card on that day.
Janet: Wow.
Jocelyn: That’s a great idea.
Stephanie: Or schedule a lunch date with her on that day. One precious couple gave me a pair of earrings that had in them the birthstone of the month my baby was due.
Janet: Wow.
Stephanie: Yes. As you know, one of the harsh realities of miscarriage is that there is no baby to take home at the end of the labor and delivery.
Janet: Yep.
Stephanie: So just having that tangible thing that I could hold onto and remember my baby by, it just continues to be very special to me to this day.
Jocelyn: That's really neat.
Stephanie: It's very kind, very generous.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: And then as we've already talked about, be mindful of the dad. He too is grieving, but oftentimes that grief is not shared. And you know, oftentimes the dad is trying to be strong for the mom.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: Yes.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: So don't be afraid to reach out and ask him how he's doing, or have your husband meet with him. Ask him how he's doing. Ask how you can best pray for him and then pray with him. Another thing is remind this lady of God and His character. One thing that I love to give to ladies who have miscarried is an empty pill bottle filled with homemade scripture cards. Each card has a character quality, reference, and verse that reminds the reader of who God is. I like to refer to it as a prescription for hope.
Janet: Oh, I love that.
Stephanie: The active ingredient is God's word, and for best results, she is to meditate daily as needed. Some days it's just difficult to think of anything other than all the events that surround the loss of your baby. For some, the events replay over and over again. The images are vivid. The pain runs deep. So having gentle reminders during the day and night that God is merciful. He is trustworthy. He is near. He gives strength. He cares about you. He is your refuge. He is faithful. He loves you. These reminders help give hope in the midst of heartache, they help you fix your mind on God, who is the Father of mercies and God of all comfort. In 2 Corinthians 1, Paul is writing to the church in Corinth in verses three and four, he writes, blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all hope, who comforts us in our affliction so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. As you seek to weep well with others who are weeping, remember that you are not going to be able to perfectly understand their suffering. I am thankful we serve a God who can. Who is compassionate and kind and helps relieve the sorrow and grief we experience in our afflictions. But you can provide comfort. You have the privilege to care for others with the same comfort God has comforted you with during a time of suffering in your own life. Let me encourage you to pray for opportunities, anticipate opportunities, and take full advantage of the opportunities God gives you. It may be a little uncomfortable for you, but ask God to help you step out of your comfort zone and use what he has taught you in order to comfort someone else.
Jocelyn: The thing that's so amazing about God is that we can use the comfort He's given us in any situation.
Janet: Right.
Stephanie: Yes.
Jocelyn: To comfort somebody else in any situation.
Stephanie: Yes. We don't have to have a miscarriage.
Jocelyn: Right. We don't have to necessarily have gone through that exact same trial to be able to say this Great God is able to help you in your moment of suffering.
Stephanie: Yes.
Janet: Yeah. And the temptation though sometimes is then for me to use that as an opportunity to share my story. Mm-hmm. And it's like.
Jocelyn: Don't take away from it.
Janet: Well, I had three miscarriages too, you know?
Stephanie: Yeah.
Janet: And I can mention that, but it's not about me.
Stephanie: Yes.
Janet: And I think sometimes because that's all I know to talk about. So I think it's helpful. Like I'm imagining somebody listening and I'm like, okay, you've heard a lot of things. If all you take away is walk toward them and say these words. I don't know how to best love you, but I care. And if there are ways, tell me, and as I think of ideas that might help, could I run them by you and see if it'd be okay? Just say that.
Stephanie: Yep.
Janet: And then they may say, actually there's this, or then you've got the freedom later to go, oh, they mentioned laundry. I could text her, but you want me to do your laundry? No, I'm good there, you know, but I don't need to then make it about me. Because I don't know what else to say, so I give you my story.
Stephanie: Yep.
Janet: At that moment. So I love that. So this has already, as you said, kind of turned the corner to a lot more hope, and you've already shared a lot of scripture, which I love. But are there, in addition, some specific passages of scripture that really encouraged you or that you have found to be encouraging to others?
Stephanie: There are. There's in fact a ton, but I've narrowed it down to a few. We've already talked a little about Psalm 139, but I wanna encourage you to take the time to read the entire passage. Take note of God's knowledge, take note of His presence, take note of His power, and let the God who loves you so intimately lead you in the days ahead.
Janet: Yeah.
Stephanie: Psalm 103 was a balm to my soul after my miscarriage. I read it many times in the days following my loss. It was a wonderful reminder that I served a merciful God who is full of compassion and whose steadfast love is from everlasting to everlasting toward those who fear Him. Hebrews 4:15 & 16 say, for we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin. Therefore, let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need. I don't have time to fully unpack this passage, but there are three truths that are exceedingly powerful as we seek God's comfort in the midst of our suffering. Number one, Jesus understands. Notice the words tempted in all things. Jesus endured challenges that have remarkable similarities to all the ones we endure. We can see the depth of his suffering over the loss of His relationship with His father. When He cried out from the cross, my God, my God, why have you forsaken me? It is this suffering that puts Jesus in the best possible position to understand all that you are experiencing. The second truth in this passage is draw near to Jesus. We've talked about this multiple times already. But it is not God's desire for you to live in a world of silence where you suffer alone.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Stephanie: Instead, go to Jesus. Pour out your heart to Him. He cares and is always with you .When your husband, and if you have other children leave for the day, Jesus is still there. When you wake up in the middle of the night in tears, Jesus is still there. And when you're having one of those moments that seem to come out of the blue with no warning at all, Jesus is still there. Friend, there is no one else like Jesus. He is a friend who completely understands and never will He leave us or forsake us, so draw near to Him. The third truth in this passage is Jesus provides everything you need. Because Jesus has experienced all the temptations that come with suffering and yet was perfectly obedient, not only can He sympathize with your weakness, but He also offers you His help to overcome the challenges you are experiencing. As you draw near to Jesus, you will find grace and mercy to help in your time of need. And we've already talked about Psalm 34:18. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed spirit. As the result of the curse of sin, death is inevitable. Whether it's a baby in the womb, a teenager, a middle-aged woman, or a man in his nineties, everyone's days have been numbered here on earth. I'm thankful for God's willingness to send His only son as a sacrifice for all of mankind. Jesus willingly died a cruel death on a cross. He was buried for three days, then He rose from the grave. Why did He do that for you and for me? Apart from Jesus, we have no hope for all. For all who place their hope, faith and trust in him alone for salvation will live eternally with him in heaven. Not only do we have hope for the future, but we also have hope for the present. This God who has the power to save is alive today, and he is the one who is near the brokenhearted. He is the one who helps those who are crushed in spirit. Wow. There is no better person to have near your side than Jesus.
Jocelyn: I'm so glad that you shared the gospel at the end because that's what I've been thinking as we've been talking this whole time, is like there's a reason that miscarriage causes such sorrow. This is not how God intended the world to work. God didn't intend for us to have to think about death. He intended us to live forever with Him, obeying Him perfectly, and glorifying Him without any selfishness or rebellion. And so it is appropriate when death is difficult. This is not how God had designed the world to work. And so I think that's one, one thing that I share with women in this position who are struggling with miscarriage is it's appropriate for you to be grieving right now.
Stephanie: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Because this is not the way God designed the world to, to operate. And so I think that's helpful to know like Jesus also grieves at death. He doesn't like death and the fact that it happens. And so it's helpful to give gospel truth to speak into that grief.
Janet: Yeah, it's a reminder that the gospel really is the answer.
Jocelyn: Yeah.
Janet: And that can sound trite, but it's actually just true.
Jocelyn: It's absolutely true.
Janet: That is the answer. He was victorious over death and one day it will be no more.
Stephanie: Yes.
Janet: Because of Christ. And I love that, Steph, and I see that in your life, but we don't have to minimize how hard it is. We don't have to say, it's not that big a deal or whatever. Just move on. I don't have to do that. I can fully acknowledge how hard it is, and when I look at the gospel, I can have hope. And that's what we want the people hearing this to remember. Yes, there is much to grieve, but there is great hope and there is not that hope outside of the gospel
Jocelyn: And the sovereignty of God is such a comfort because for so many situations, like you said, there will be no answers as to why, and especially if you have repeated miscarriages like you've experienced, Janet.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: Like you're wondering, will there ever be a time? And so the character of God is where we find our hope, not the resolution of the difficulty.
Janet: That’s right.
Stephanie: Absolutely.
Jocelyn: And knowing that God sovereignly knows what's going on. And is in the middle of it is where we can find an anchor when we're feeling all over the place.
Janet: Right. So as we wrap up here, we usually like to see if you have any resources that you would recommend, cuz the ladies are probably thinking, what could I read on this?
Jocelyn: Well, the first one I wanna recommend is one that was written by Stephanie herself. It's a booklet called, Miscarriage: You Are Not Alone and we're gonna link it in the show notes. It's a great small little resource that you could just hand to someone who's hurting.
Janet: Yeah.
Jocelyn: So we recommend that one.
Stephanie: And then I recently was given a book to read and it's by Abby Wedgworth and it's called, Held, and it's 31 Biblical Reflections on God's Comfort and Care in the Sorrow of Miscarriage. It is excellent. I would highly recommend reading that.
Jocelyn: Excellent.
Janet: I am so grateful because I have not in the past found a lot out there.
Stephanie: There hasn't been.
Janet: And I've used your pamphlet. And then that's it. Like there is nothing else. And I love knowing that there's something out there that's biblically sound.
Stephanie: Yes.
Janet: And encouraging.
Stephanie: Yes.
Janet: Specifically for women who've been through this. So that's great. Oh, Stephanie, this has been really helpful and our listeners will be glad to know that we've asked you to come back for a second episode because we really wanna focus more on what are some of the specific fears, but even more than that, what are the scriptural passages that give you hope, and how can we face this with a heart of hope even in the midst of the hard. So thank you for coming in. We're looking forward to you coming back in our next episode.
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Host Janet and her husband, Brent, also speak at a variety of conferences as a way to raise money for the seminary. If you want to look at what they offer or book them for a conference, go to their website.
